Now, before we start this post, I must inform all of you that I love Scarlett Johansson. Yes, yes I hear you all out there. Oh BMG, we all love Scarlett!
SHUT UP! SHUT UP YOUR DUMB FACE YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!
I LOVE Scarlett Johansson. More than you. More than your dumb boyfriend. More than your acne scarred best friend named Gary. I LOVE her.
There is just something about her ya know? I can’t quite put my finger on it. Something that makes me lost my fucking shit every time I see her. OH I KNOW WHAT IT IS IT’S HER FUCKING AMAZING FACE!
Seriously, I have seen photos of her face before and just screamed. Like a high pitched, hysterical scream that scares my housemate and neighbours. AND then I cry. A deep, deep sob of longing for that amazing woman.
And no, I don’t love her because of her BREASTS okay?!?!?!
It’s so much deeper than that.
GROW UP WHY ARE WE EVEN FRIENDS!!?!?!1
If Scarlett was my girlfriend, I’d be so much nicer about it than her husband Ryan Reynolds (though, if I did have a Be My Best Friend blog, he’d be on it). I’d be generous you know? I understand most men in the world love Scarlett so I would draw up some kind of roster. A timeshare if you will.
The men would of course have to apply, send a photo (as they couldn’t be better looking than me), references from ex-girlfriends (as they couldn’t be better in bed than me) and of course a health check. The roster would work that the other men got her Monday, Wednesday and Friday (for a sizeable fee) and I would get her on the weekends, Tuesdays and Thursdays (I’M NOT BEING GREEDY, SHE’S MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND).
Actually scratch that, all they can is look at her from behind a pane of glass for a minute. But they can’t look her directly in the eye or touch themselves or anything. It would just be for love.
$500 for one minute’s viewing. It’d be SO worth it because, I mean, FUCKING LOOK AT HER. Seriously, that photo alone makes me wanna cut my hair into a lime green mohawk, sell all my assets and go be a professional Johansson stalker in LA. Just so I could see her every day.
SHE IS SO AMAZING.
SOMETIMES SHE HAS RED HAIR.
That’s it, someone get me the knife, I’m carving her name into my chest and paying someone from the US Government to provide me with all her personal details. WATCH OUT RESTRAINING ORDER, HERE I COME!
Scarlett Johansson, be my girlfriend.