Yep. I know. I hear ya. You’re saying “This B-grade Disney reject? Come on BMG, lift your game! I hardly even know who she is. Sure! I recognise her but this is a bit left field isn’t it?”
I don’t care WHAT you say. I know what I’m talking about. Trachtenberg is a babe. 100% babe. 10 out of 10 sweetie pie. In fact, Michelle Trachtenberg is one of the biggest babes in the world as far I’m concerned.
I used to be like you, anti-Trachtenberg. Unaware of her girlfriend potential. Completely unaware of her in general actually. She was the type of “celebrity” that would come up in conversation and I’d have to Google Image her to remember what she looked like. “Ohhhhh the chick from Buffy!”
But one day, everything changed. I saw a very special photo. One photo was all it took ladies and gentlemen. It was one simple yet incredible photo which I am reminded of every Halloween.
That’s right. Michelle Trachtenberg dressed as Snow White.
Fucking LOOK AT HER.
This changed everything. I couldn’t look at her the same way ever again. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming her name. I would watch the Disney cartoon over and over cursing those seven dwarves with their varying emotions and moods. It tickled every fancy of what was left of my pre-adolescent mind and the crush I had on Snow White. The image became my desktop background and still is. I’m not even joking.
Suddenly, the world opened up. My life became pre-Trachtenberg and post-Trachtenberg. When they write my biography, it will completely revolve around the viewing of that photo.
“Chapter 12: 3 months before The Trachtenberg Incident”
“Chapter 180: 70 years after The Trachtenberg Incident”
You can’t argue with that photo. She really is incredible. Even look at her in this photo. Sure, she’s not dressed as Snow White but the memory of that amazing costume lingers. You look into her eyes and suddenly realise you’ve been sitting at your laptop for 3 and a half hours, the Celine Dion album has finished and your bowl of Campbell’s tomato soup for one has gone cold.
But you don’t care. You’ve got Trachtenberg as Snow White.
And life will never be the same.
Michelle Trachtenberg, be my girlfriend.