Oh yes. Here she is. The biggest awkward nerd-babe in Hollywood. Look at her, she definitely has never, ever seen the sun in her whole life. I’m sure she has totally natural bright white hair and red eyes. And fuck that is awesome. Albino babes with alabaster skin make my melatonin scared for its existence. And it should be. The sun ain’t my thing either, Anne.
Seriously, Anne Hathaway’s mum would have been one of those mental “Let’s put on sunscreen every 30 minutes” type Mums. Either that or she was the actual colour white and she mated with a member of the KKK to produce Anne.
My friend and I both have this thing where we’re completely attracted to people who have something slightly wrong with them. For her the person might have a weirdly shaped head or a twisted spine. For me, it’s the big nose/jaw thing or a strange physical defect. Once I met this girl who worked at a cafe I went to a lot and one of her eyes had this thing where it looked like the bottom of her pupil had actually dripped down into her iris. I was fucking obsessed with her for months. I thought it was the best thing I had ever seen.
What I’m getting at is there’s something not quite right with Anne, isn’t there? I mean, look at her. Is it that her eyes are too big for her face? Or is her enormous mouth too close to her nose? Speaking of her nose, it’s a little big isn’t it? That’s awesome. Look, I don’t care what it is, she can kiss me on the lips any day she pleases. I’ll even buy her “Maths Problems for Grown Ups” book for her birthday and that massive nerd will lose her shit, I bet.
Cause, really, she is a nerd isn’t she? We could probably even talk in-depth about The X-Men. And THAT is something special. Talking about Wolverine’s bezerker rage with a babe like this.
Anne Hathaway, be my girlfriend.