Lindsay Lohan (3 years ago)
In the first of my “If time travel was real” series I give you Lindsay Lohan, 3 years ago.
Seriously, Lindsay, you had so much potential. Mean Girls would have to be one of my favourite films of the decade, you were pretty as shit and guess what, YOU HAD RED FUCKING HAIR. Ladies and Gentlemen can I get a “METH YEAH?!”
Seriously Lindsay, what happened? You were getting good movie roles, you had cred with teens and hipsters alike and you looked amazing. Then you dyed your hair blonde, got Prisoner of War skinny and started screeching around outside fashionable LA clubs with Paris “STD Love” Hilton. You were running your car into poles, being quoted saying totally indiscernible things and probably stabbing babies or some shit. At one point I’m sure you were snorting so much cocaine that even Robert Downey Junior was saying “Shit, that girl needs help.”
You know what I think it I was? You dated that fucktard Jared Leto for a while didn’t you? That guy is bad news. Sure he’s good looking and everything but he hasn’t made a good film since Requiem for a Dream and even that made me want run a long warm bath with my friend Mr Razor Blade. He was in this terrible film where he played John Lennon’s killer and put on like 20kg for it. That was the happiest moment of my life; laughing maniacally at a picture of a fat Jared Leto while I scoffed down extra buttered popcorn. Also, have you heard this motherfucker’s music? Holy shit it’s the worst fucking shit I’ve ever heard. He has this film clip that goes for like 15 minutes (the song is only like 3 minutes long) and it’s his terrible fucking band battling all these ninjas and shit. You know what? If you’re Michael Jackson and your song is about zombies and vampires and shit, that’s fine. If you’re Jared Leto and the song is about how you can’t be with a girl because you have too many emotions, KILL YOURSELF
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Lindsay.
Lindsay you were so cute. You were innocent looking, you had a great voice and as mentioned before, your hair was a beautiful shade of red. Why? Why did you do it? If time travel was a real thing I’d go back in time, find a way to start dating Lindsay in her babe days and just be her minder.
“Does she want any ice?!? Why? She’s drinking red wine THANKYOU!!”
“How many pills would she like? JUST TWO PARACETAMOL IF SHE’S GOT A HEADACHE THANKS MA’AM!”
“Would she like to snort some of your cocaine? I THINK YOU MEAN DRINK SOME OF YOUR COCA COLA SIR!”
I know you’re all probably reading this and saying “He’s being so subtle about her current drug use!” And I agree with you, I’m really beating around the bush here. So Lindsay, I need to ask you, how is Crystal Meth? Is it delicious? Does it whisper sweet nothings into your scabby ear? Does it hold your hand on your 4th straight day awake quietly murmuring “Come on baby, we can make it to 5!”
Cause you know what? Three years ago I’d have done something similar for you. The only difference is three years ago I would have said “So what time is your audition today?” as opposed to these days where I would ask, “So what time are you heading around to the drug dealer’s house today to beg for a little taste of the sweetness?”
Lindsay Lohan, be my girlfriend, 3 years ago.