June 18, 2010
Amanda Seyfried Okay, so I’m back. I’m sorry I’ve not been here but I’ve been busy you know. Busy watching movies, scouring the earth for hot babe celebrities that I will never even meet and you know, hanging out with my real girlfriend. But that’s okay. At least I’ve got my movies. You know; Mean Girls, Dear John, Mamma Mia, Jennifer’s Body. I like these films. Why? Maybe these are great films. Or maybe they feature THIS AMAZING BABE. I remember first watching Mean Girls in the days of babe Lindsay Lohan and not being very impressed by the dumb Mean Girl who I think ends up being a lesbian in the end? Anyway, she was forgettable. Then I saw her in Big Love and I was like “ohhh yeah”. Then I saw her in Mamma Mia and I was like “Yeaaaahhh?”, then I saw her in Jennifer’s Body and I said “Okay yep.” Then I saw in Dear John and was like “YEP. SURE. SIGN ME UP. WHENEVER.” She’s a grower you know. I have rule with albums that I’m not that into. Listen to them five times in a row and if by the end of five times, I still don’t like it, I’m probably not ever gonna like it. I think Amanda Seyfried is one of those albums. First time I was like “ah yeah, bit disappointing but I’ll get over it.” Second time: “I suppose there’s a few catchy things about her” Third Time: “Oh wow I didn’t get it the first time round.” Fourth time: “There’s so many great things about this.” Fifth time: “I’M NEVER PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYTHING ELSE EVER AGAIN.” I can’t wait to meet her and tell her “YOUR BEAUTY IS LIKE LISTENING TO AN ALBUM THAT FIRST YOU THINK IS SHIT BUT THEN IT’S GOOD. By the way, Dear John is the shittest film I’ve ever seen… thoughts?” It’s true romance from me. Currently giving myself a pat on the back for that one. Ah who cares, LOOK AT HER. Sure, she is weird looking. But it’s that alien kinda weird looking. Like Gemma Watts I’m-a-freaky-alien-look-a-like-weird-looking (BITCH GONNA EAT MY HEART WHILE STILL BEATING). But that said, my favourite eyes are eyes as big as dinner plates you know? It makes the iris look like a delicious dark chocolate cake right? Right? Right? IMA EAT YOUR IRISES SEYFRIED. Probably the most romantic thing I’ll ever say. Amanda Seyfried, be my girlfriend.

Amanda Seyfried

Okay, so I’m back. I’m sorry I’ve not been here but I’ve been busy you know. Busy watching movies, scouring the earth for hot babe celebrities that I will never even meet and you know, hanging out with my real girlfriend. But that’s okay. At least I’ve got my movies. You know; Mean Girls, Dear John, Mamma Mia, Jennifer’s Body. I like these films. Why? Maybe these are great films. Or maybe they feature THIS AMAZING BABE.

I remember first watching Mean Girls in the days of babe Lindsay Lohan and not being very impressed by the dumb Mean Girl who I think ends up being a lesbian in the end? Anyway, she was forgettable. Then I saw her in Big Love and I was like “ohhh yeah”. Then I saw her in Mamma Mia and I was like “Yeaaaahhh?”, then I saw her in Jennifer’s Body and I said “Okay yep.” Then I saw in Dear John and was like “YEP. SURE. SIGN ME UP. WHENEVER.”

She’s a grower you know. I have rule with albums that I’m not that into. Listen to them five times in a row and if by the end of five times, I still don’t like it, I’m probably not ever gonna like it. I think Amanda Seyfried is one of those albums. First time I was like “ah yeah, bit disappointing but I’ll get over it.” Second time: “I suppose there’s a few catchy things about her” Third Time: “Oh wow I didn’t get it the first time round.” Fourth time: “There’s so many great things about this.” Fifth time: “I’M NEVER PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYTHING ELSE EVER AGAIN.”

I can’t wait to meet her and tell her “YOUR BEAUTY IS LIKE LISTENING TO AN ALBUM THAT FIRST YOU THINK IS SHIT BUT THEN IT’S GOOD. By the way, Dear John is the shittest film I’ve ever seen… thoughts?” It’s true romance from me. Currently giving myself a pat on the back for that one. Ah who cares, LOOK AT HER.

Sure, she is weird looking. But it’s that alien kinda weird looking. Like Gemma Watts I’m-a-freaky-alien-look-a-like-weird-looking (BITCH GONNA EAT MY HEART WHILE STILL BEATING). But that said, my favourite eyes are eyes as big as dinner plates you know? It makes the iris look like a delicious dark chocolate cake right? Right? Right?

IMA EAT YOUR IRISES SEYFRIED.

Probably the most romantic thing I’ll ever say.

Amanda Seyfried, be my girlfriend.

March 5, 2010
Lucy Liu In celebration of my recent 10 days in Japan, (possibly the best country in the world), I give you the original Asian Princess, Lucy Liu. You may have noticed this is actually the first Asian woman on my blog. This is not because I dislike Asian women (quite the opposite), it is just that every one I thought of was either creepy as shit (porn star) or obscure (that chick with claws that Wolverine killed in X-Men 2). Then one day someone someone said something about watching Ally McBeal and I said “Hey remember Portia De Rossi was in that?” and they said “Yeah! and…” “LUCY LIU!!!!!” I screamed and google imaged the fuck out of her. The pictures I was faced with confirmed my excitement. Fucking. Asian. Babe. LINK! Have you guys seen Kill Bill? You should, don’t be shit. Because Lucy Liu gives me a fucking hot fever in that film. Even in the bit where Uma Thurman slices off the top of her head and you can see her brain I was still like FUCKING GREAT FACE LIU! Also, Lucy Liu always plays these bitchy fucking characters that are like SHUT THE FUCK UP or something. That is so great. Cause I talk heaps and when a girl is like OI FUCKHEAD TAKE A BREAK I lose my shit. And you know she would. Seriously, no offence to my actual girlfriend cause she’s a total babe (and also she was talking about male asian babes), but I was in Japan and there were so many babes. I wish it wasn’t creepy to take photos of babes on the street then put them on on a blog called Be My Girlfriend cause I would have made it happen. But if I had seen Lucy Liu on the motherfuckin’ Shinkansen selling Asahi from a drinks cart or some shit, I would have set up a fuckin PHOTOSHOOT. Lucy Liu, be my girlfriend.

Lucy Liu

In celebration of my recent 10 days in Japan, (possibly the best country in the world), I give you the original Asian Princess, Lucy Liu.

You may have noticed this is actually the first Asian woman on my blog. This is not because I dislike Asian women (quite the opposite), it is just that every one I thought of was either creepy as shit (porn star) or obscure (that chick with claws that Wolverine killed in X-Men 2). Then one day someone someone said something about watching Ally McBeal and I said “Hey remember Portia De Rossi was in that?” and they said “Yeah! and…”

“LUCY LIU!!!!!” I screamed and google imaged the fuck out of her. The pictures I was faced with confirmed my excitement. Fucking. Asian. Babe. LINK!

Have you guys seen Kill Bill? You should, don’t be shit. Because Lucy Liu gives me a fucking hot fever in that film. Even in the bit where Uma Thurman slices off the top of her head and you can see her brain I was still like FUCKING GREAT FACE LIU!

Also, Lucy Liu always plays these bitchy fucking characters that are like SHUT THE FUCK UP or something. That is so great. Cause I talk heaps and when a girl is like OI FUCKHEAD TAKE A BREAK I lose my shit. And you know she would.

Seriously, no offence to my actual girlfriend cause she’s a total babe (and also she was talking about male asian babes), but I was in Japan and there were so many babes. I wish it wasn’t creepy to take photos of babes on the street then put them on on a blog called Be My Girlfriend cause I would have made it happen. But if I had seen Lucy Liu on the motherfuckin’ Shinkansen selling Asahi from a drinks cart or some shit, I would have set up a fuckin PHOTOSHOOT.

Lucy Liu, be my girlfriend.

March 4, 2010
Marion Cotillard You saucy French babe. Give me a kiss. A FRENCH KISS LOL! ROFL.That is a kiss where you use your tongue in each other’s mouth. Fuck yeah seriously, Cotillard is such a babe. Have a motherfucking look at her. She’s got a fucking shit hot face, best body and those eyes will be the fucking death of me. Sometimes when I think of her eyes while driving, I accidentally run over children and small dogs with out noticing. That is why I’m now in prison. ALSO I KILLED HER DOG BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME. Actually, she kinda looks like Fiona Apple, and Fiona Apple is so fucking hot it makes me cry. I was about to keep describing how crazy Fiona Apple makes me. But I’ll just write a post about her next. Fkn srsly, have you seen this amazing woman in La Vie En Rose? She’s mangin ugly. Have a look. Yes, I know she’s being Edith Piaf and you’re right, she did do an amazing job. But HOLY SHIT THAT BITCH HAD FOREHEAD. It’s out of control. Apparently while she was filming the movie a plane tried to land on her head. That’s not true BUT IMAGINE IF IT WAS! If Marion was my girlfriend I would take French language classes and practice them with her at night. I would wear a beret and appear to be offended by everything. I would grow a red haired pencil moustache and pretend to be framing everything like I want to take a photo of it but don’t have my camera on me. I’d fucking EAT CHEESE UNTIL I WAS THE FATTEST FRENCH ARSEHOLE ALIVE. And she would still love me. Because French chicks dig that shit. So I hear. And you know what? This might be weird, but Marion Cotillard actually looks like a Na’vi from Avatar. Seriously, check it out, she does right? And that’s totally okay with me cause who the fuck wouldn’t want to get fucking crazy on a massive leaf with one of the Na’vi? Those aliens are fucking babes. If we ever did the find the fictional Na’vi, we could just take Cotillard and the aliens will be all like FUCK YEAH HAVE OUR BIG DUMB TREE JUST GIVE ME A GO AT THAT PUNY HUMAN BABE. But she’s better. She’s not blue. She’s not 15ft tall. And she’s human. AND SHE LOOKS LIKE THIS ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!@!#!Thank fuck for that. The world is safe. Marion Cotillard, be my girlfriend.

Marion Cotillard

You saucy French babe. Give me a kiss. A FRENCH KISS LOL! ROFL.
That is a kiss where you use your tongue in each other’s mouth.

Fuck yeah seriously, Cotillard is such a babe. Have a motherfucking look at her. She’s got a fucking shit hot face, best body and those eyes will be the fucking death of me. Sometimes when I think of her eyes while driving, I accidentally run over children and small dogs with out noticing. That is why I’m now in prison. ALSO I KILLED HER DOG BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME.

Actually, she kinda looks like Fiona Apple, and Fiona Apple is so fucking hot it makes me cry. I was about to keep describing how crazy Fiona Apple makes me. But I’ll just write a post about her next.

Fkn srsly, have you seen this amazing woman in La Vie En Rose? She’s mangin ugly. Have a look. Yes, I know she’s being Edith Piaf and you’re right, she did do an amazing job. But HOLY SHIT THAT BITCH HAD FOREHEAD. It’s out of control. Apparently while she was filming the movie a plane tried to land on her head.

That’s not true BUT IMAGINE IF IT WAS!

If Marion was my girlfriend I would take French language classes and practice them with her at night. I would wear a beret and appear to be offended by everything. I would grow a red haired pencil moustache and pretend to be framing everything like I want to take a photo of it but don’t have my camera on me. I’d fucking EAT CHEESE UNTIL I WAS THE FATTEST FRENCH ARSEHOLE ALIVE. And she would still love me. Because French chicks dig that shit. So I hear.

And you know what? This might be weird, but Marion Cotillard actually looks like a Na’vi from Avatar. Seriously, check it out, she does right? And that’s totally okay with me cause who the fuck wouldn’t want to get fucking crazy on a massive leaf with one of the Na’vi? Those aliens are fucking babes. If we ever did the find the fictional Na’vi, we could just take Cotillard and the aliens will be all like FUCK YEAH HAVE OUR BIG DUMB TREE JUST GIVE ME A GO AT THAT PUNY HUMAN BABE.

But she’s better. She’s not blue. She’s not 15ft tall. And she’s human. AND SHE LOOKS LIKE THIS ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!@!#!
Thank fuck for that. The world is safe.

Marion Cotillard, be my girlfriend.

February 12, 2010
Michelle Obama Dear Michelle Obama YOU ARE AN OVER 40’S BABE AND YOU WIN THE RACE. Seriously Michelle Obama is so great it makes me wince each time I see her. She’s a total babe. See here. She’s intelligent (she’s a lawyer or something), she’s a sassy black woman and…OH.AND SHE’S MARRIED TO THE BIGGEST BADARSE PRESIDENT THAT AMERICA HAS EVER HAD. And HE fucking LOVES THE SHIT OUT OF HER. You know Michelle Obama is funny, charismatic, wears great clothes and if I was to be her boyfriend I bet she’d do so much nice stuff for me. Like buy me cars and nice suits and awesome food. But then, I’d be dealing with an angry Barack if he found out. And that motherfucker would kick the shit out of me. Ghetto style. WOH WOH WOH I’m not being racist saying that. I’m just saying… that… he looks like… he would beat a man… in the style of a street fighter in… the ghetto. That’s not racist right? HE’S BLACK?!?!?! WHAT”?!! I DIDN’T NOTICE… THIS IS…. WHAT?!!? I DIDN’T… THIS IS AWKWARD!!!! …………………………………… But you know what else? Michelle Obama has gotten HOTTER with age and that is something you don’t find very often unless it’s someone like that fox Rene Russo (a future BMG participant, you can be sure of that). I mean, look at her in this photo. Besides your first reaction of “Man, that Barack motherfucker GOT GAME.” You are probably agreeing with me, she is so much hotter now. LOOK AT HER! Seriously, Michelle Obama, if you’re ever go mental and are looking to dump your awesome as fuck husband, move to Australia and hang out with a poor dude with brown hair and red beard, give this motherfucker a call. Because DAYUM GIRL, I would drop EVERYTHING. Michelle Obama, be my girlfriend.

Michelle Obama

Dear Michelle Obama YOU ARE AN OVER 40’S BABE AND YOU WIN THE RACE.

Seriously Michelle Obama is so great it makes me wince each time I see her. She’s a total babe. See here. She’s intelligent (she’s a lawyer or something), she’s a sassy black woman and…
OH.
AND SHE’S MARRIED TO THE BIGGEST BADARSE PRESIDENT THAT AMERICA HAS EVER HAD. And HE fucking LOVES THE SHIT OUT OF HER.

You know Michelle Obama is funny, charismatic, wears great clothes and if I was to be her boyfriend I bet she’d do so much nice stuff for me. Like buy me cars and nice suits and awesome food. But then, I’d be dealing with an angry Barack if he found out. And that motherfucker would kick the shit out of me. Ghetto style.

WOH WOH WOH I’m not being racist saying that. I’m just saying… that… he looks like… he would beat a man… in the style of a street fighter in… the ghetto. That’s not racist right? HE’S BLACK?!?!?! WHAT”?!! I DIDN’T NOTICE… THIS IS…. WHAT?!!? I DIDN’T… THIS IS AWKWARD!!!! ……………………………………

But you know what else? Michelle Obama has gotten HOTTER with age and that is something you don’t find very often unless it’s someone like that fox Rene Russo (a future BMG participant, you can be sure of that). I mean, look at her in this photo. Besides your first reaction of “Man, that Barack motherfucker GOT GAME.” You are probably agreeing with me, she is so much hotter now. LOOK AT HER!

Seriously, Michelle Obama, if you’re ever go mental and are looking to dump your awesome as fuck husband, move to Australia and hang out with a poor dude with brown hair and red beard, give this motherfucker a call.

Because DAYUM GIRL, I would drop EVERYTHING.

Michelle Obama, be my girlfriend.

February 10, 2010
Beyonce Dayum girl! Where you from? Where you going? Where you at? Who you be? Beyonce, you’re a babe. You win. You’re amazing.But, you know, it’s weird. For a little while there I was like,“Nah, Rhianna is better. Beyonce’s not THAT hot.”INCORRECT.LOOK AT HER. Seriously, I recently just re-watched that Austin Powers movie she’s in and I know this is obvious but seriously she is so smoking hot in that film I reverted back to a childhood state just watching her prance around. I seriously put on a nappy and started drinking milk out of a bottle. You can understand if you just LOOK AT HER IN THIS FILM ARRGGHHHH. Seriously I don’t know how else I can say it, Beyonce is fuckin’ BANGING. Face of a supermodel.Body of a fucking Amazonian princess.Personality of the sassy black woman that she is.Shit yeah, she’s a babe. You know what else is great? If Beyonce was my girlfriend, I would essentially be Jay-Z. 99 Problems but a bitch ain’t one and all that business. I could finally live my dream of being a massively successful, not to mention awesome, gangsta rapper. I could wear Yankees caps and not have people yell out,“OI FRED DURST, WHERE’S THE HOT DOG FLAVOURED WATER?”I could call women bitchez and no one would say,“That’s really demeaning you know.”I could drive a Bentley, use the word nigga and spell all my wordz with z’s and a’s.I WOULD BE KING.Also, I’d be going home every night to one of the most amazing women in the world.I could probably also shoot people and someone would just COVER IT UP because I’M A COOL MOTHERFUCKA.I bet Beyonce would give great shoulder massages as well.Not to mention, Single Ladies is such a great fucking song.Holy shit bitch, I’ll put a ring on it. ASAP. Beyonce, be my girlfriend.

Beyonce

Dayum girl! Where you from? Where you going? Where you at? Who you be?

Beyonce, you’re a babe. You win. You’re amazing.
But, you know, it’s weird. For a little while there I was like,
“Nah, Rhianna is better. Beyonce’s not THAT hot.”
INCORRECT.
LOOK AT HER.

Seriously, I recently just re-watched that Austin Powers movie she’s in and I know this is obvious but seriously she is so smoking hot in that film I reverted back to a childhood state just watching her prance around. I seriously put on a nappy and started drinking milk out of a bottle. You can understand if you just LOOK AT HER IN THIS FILM ARRGGHHHH.

Seriously I don’t know how else I can say it, Beyonce is fuckin’ BANGING.

Face of a supermodel.
Body of a fucking Amazonian princess.
Personality of the sassy black woman that she is.
Shit yeah, she’s a babe.

You know what else is great? If Beyonce was my girlfriend, I would essentially be Jay-Z. 99 Problems but a bitch ain’t one and all that business. I could finally live my dream of being a massively successful, not to mention awesome, gangsta rapper. I could wear Yankees caps and not have people yell out,
“OI FRED DURST, WHERE’S THE HOT DOG FLAVOURED WATER?”
I could call women bitchez and no one would say,
“That’s really demeaning you know.”
I could drive a Bentley, use the word nigga and spell all my wordz with z’s and a’s.
I WOULD BE KING.

Also, I’d be going home every night to one of the most amazing women in the world.
I could probably also shoot people and someone would just COVER IT UP because I’M A COOL MOTHERFUCKA.
I bet Beyonce would give great shoulder massages as well.

Not to mention, Single Ladies is such a great fucking song.
Holy shit bitch, I’ll put a ring on it. ASAP.

Beyonce, be my girlfriend.

February 2, 2010
Pre-nose job Jennifer Grey In the second of my “If Time Travel Was Real” series I give you Jennifer Grey, pre-nose job. We should have all seen Dirty Dancing. And if you haven’t, you must be gay. Because frankly, Dirty Dancing has to be one of the greatest love stories of our time and if you haven’t seen it, you must be a really insensitive person. Hold on. Read that sentence back. It looks like I’m the gay one I guess but you know what? I don’t give a fuck. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN JENNIFER GREY IN THIS FILM? Super 80’s babe. Curly dirty-blonde hair, fucking BANGIN’ body and HOLY SHIT THAT NOSELOOK AT IT. Seriously though, if you haven’t seen this film, go rent it right now. If your girlfriend comes in and says “Umm… is this Dirty Dancing?” just say “Fuck yeah! Swayze died last year, may he rest in peace.” Then pause look at her and say “Point Break!”That worked for me at least. Anyway, watch the film and get ready to LOSE YOUR SHIT. Jennifer Grey in this film is a fucking mega babe. I don’t care what she’s like in Ferris Bueller, in this film Jennifer Grey fucking kicks arse. Seriously, in THIS SCENE where Swayze (RIP) is teaching Grey a dance and they do this lip-syncing, sexy dance thing and seriously, it is better than any pornography you will ever watch. If Swayze and Grey did not fuck while filming this movie, his balls would have exploded. Seriously.And. The main reason for my love of Jennifer Grey. Her fucking NOSE.LOOOOK AT ITTTTTTT.It’s so beautiful. It’s perfect.But you know what that bitch did? She went and got a motherfucking nose job.And no one has heard from her since! Seriously, look at the before and after.COME ON YOU USED TO BE SO MUCH HOTTER!It’d be like Streisand getting a nose job!You’d say, “Hey do you know who Barbara Streisand is?”“Yeeeaaahhh, she was that chick in Hello Dolly in 1969. Haven’t heard of her since then.”“Oh yeah cool, I was just doing an Obscure Chicks from the Past section at trivia last night. Got that Jennifer Grey chick though. YHOW! What a nose huh?”“Yeah, I think she died from a nose overdose.”“LOL”“ROFL”“SRS ZOMG”And how do I know Barbara Streisand was in Hello Dolly?I’m pulling out the Gay Dad card on that one, guys.Pre-nose job Jennifer Grey, be my girlfriend

Pre-nose job Jennifer Grey

In the second of my “If Time Travel Was Real” series I give you Jennifer Grey, pre-nose job.

We should have all seen Dirty Dancing. And if you haven’t, you must be gay. Because frankly, Dirty Dancing has to be one of the greatest love stories of our time and if you haven’t seen it, you must be a really insensitive person.

Hold on. Read that sentence back. It looks like I’m the gay one I guess but you know what? I don’t give a fuck. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN JENNIFER GREY IN THIS FILM? Super 80’s babe.

Curly dirty-blonde hair, fucking BANGIN’ body and HOLY SHIT THAT NOSE
LOOK AT IT.

Seriously though, if you haven’t seen this film, go rent it right now. If your girlfriend comes in and says “Umm… is this Dirty Dancing?” just say “Fuck yeah! Swayze died last year, may he rest in peace.” Then pause look at her and say “Point Break!”
That worked for me at least.

Anyway, watch the film and get ready to LOSE YOUR SHIT. Jennifer Grey in this film is a fucking mega babe. I don’t care what she’s like in Ferris Bueller, in this film Jennifer Grey fucking kicks arse. Seriously, in THIS SCENE where Swayze (RIP) is teaching Grey a dance and they do this lip-syncing, sexy dance thing and seriously, it is better than any pornography you will ever watch. If Swayze and Grey did not fuck while filming this movie, his balls would have exploded. Seriously.

And. The main reason for my love of Jennifer Grey. Her fucking NOSE.
LOOOOK AT ITTTTTTT.
It’s so beautiful. It’s perfect.
But you know what that bitch did? She went and got a motherfucking nose job.
And no one has heard from her since!
Seriously, look at the before and after.
COME ON YOU USED TO BE SO MUCH HOTTER!

It’d be like Streisand getting a nose job!
You’d say,

“Hey do you know who Barbara Streisand is?”
“Yeeeaaahhh, she was that chick in Hello Dolly in 1969. Haven’t heard of her since then.”
“Oh yeah cool, I was just doing an Obscure Chicks from the Past section at trivia last night. Got that Jennifer Grey chick though. YHOW! What a nose huh?”
“Yeah, I think she died from a nose overdose.”
“LOL”
“ROFL”
“SRS ZOMG”

And how do I know Barbara Streisand was in Hello Dolly?
I’m pulling out the Gay Dad card on that one, guys.

Pre-nose job Jennifer Grey, be my girlfriend

January 28, 2010
Emma Watson Hey nerd. What’s your name? Emma?It’s me, that cool guy from Be My Girlfriend. How bout you get your nose outta that book and come ridin dirty with me in my red Mustang convertible. What’s that? You don’t need a fancy car and bulging biceps to please you? Come on Emma, you’re a nerd, I’m pretty much the coolest guy in school. Man, I hate nerds. They’re intelligent. Wear glasses and they’re always bangin’ on about space, computer games and comics. Hold on. I fucking love all those things in girls. Does that mean I have a thing for nerds? Or I’m a nerd? But I don’t have acne or a back condition. Or braces. I must have a thing for nerds.Well… nerds that look like this. Oh Emma Watson, you are the queen of all nerds. Not only are you amazing looking and a total banging babe, you play Hermoine in Harry Potter. Holy shit yes, I have no doubt most nerd boys have you plastered all over their rooms. In fact they probably have a shrine made up right in between their Lightsabres and their personal collection of Starship Troopers fan fiction. Alright, so I know the whole Hermoine thing is no reason alone to say you’re a nerd but seriously… I read an interview with you where you said after this Harry Potter business is over you’re going to quit acting and go to university. WHAT A FUCKHEAD THING TO DO, NERD. Honestly. I know you actually have no talent for acting whatsoever but seriously you’d be the female equivalent of Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Seriously, have you seen Match Point? His acting in that movie is woeful but I sat there thinking “Well yeah, I believe you cause you’re so good looking.” THAT COULD BE YOU! Honestly, is Scarlett Johannson a good actor?WHO THE FUCK CARES HAVE YOU SEEN HER FACE?!?! (UPDATE: Someone just told me that she topped her year in English FOR THE ENTIRE UNITED KINGDOM. NEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD) And you know what? I know I’ve got a chance. You know why? I’ve seen your boyfriend? What a gimp. Seriously. Is he related to Lurch from The Addams Family? I mean I’m certainly not what you would call good looking but holy shit, you’re dating the fucking BFG. And I mean, LOOK AT YOU. Emma Watson, be my girlfriend.

Emma Watson

Hey nerd. What’s your name? Emma?
It’s me, that cool guy from Be My Girlfriend. How bout you get your nose outta that book and come ridin dirty with me in my red Mustang convertible. What’s that? You don’t need a fancy car and bulging biceps to please you? Come on Emma, you’re a nerd, I’m pretty much the coolest guy in school.

Man, I hate nerds.

They’re intelligent. Wear glasses and they’re always bangin’ on about space, computer games and comics.

Hold on. I fucking love all those things in girls.
Does that mean I have a thing for nerds? Or I’m a nerd?
But I don’t have acne or a back condition. Or braces.
I must have a thing for nerds.
Well… nerds that look like this.

Oh Emma Watson, you are the queen of all nerds. Not only are you amazing looking and a total banging babe, you play Hermoine in Harry Potter. Holy shit yes, I have no doubt most nerd boys have you plastered all over their rooms. In fact they probably have a shrine made up right in between their Lightsabres and their personal collection of Starship Troopers fan fiction.

Alright, so I know the whole Hermoine thing is no reason alone to say you’re a nerd but seriously… I read an interview with you where you said after this Harry Potter business is over you’re going to quit acting and go to university. WHAT A FUCKHEAD THING TO DO, NERD. Honestly. I know you actually have no talent for acting whatsoever but seriously you’d be the female equivalent of Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Seriously, have you seen Match Point? His acting in that movie is woeful but I sat there thinking “Well yeah, I believe you cause you’re so good looking.”

THAT COULD BE YOU!

Honestly, is Scarlett Johannson a good actor?
WHO THE FUCK CARES HAVE YOU SEEN HER FACE?!?!

(UPDATE: Someone just told me that she topped her year in English FOR THE ENTIRE UNITED KINGDOM. NEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD)

And you know what? I know I’ve got a chance. You know why? I’ve seen your boyfriend? What a gimp. Seriously. Is he related to Lurch from The Addams Family? I mean I’m certainly not what you would call good looking but holy shit, you’re dating the fucking BFG. And I mean, LOOK AT YOU.

Emma Watson, be my girlfriend.

January 12, 2010
January Jones What. The. Fuck. Is. Up. Baby. Girl. Yes. Would. Anytime. You are such a babe. It’s incredible. First things first, if you don’t know who January Jones is YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Nah just kidding, you wouldn’t necessarily know her unless you watch Mad Men like me. She’s Don Draper’s wife, Betty. This is how I first discovered January and I have been a shit hot fan ever since. In the show she does that like “adoring housewife with suppressed issues” thing and holy fuck she does it so well I just want to marry her and comb my hair into a side part and let her cook me a baked dinner while I drink scotch and shout at the “picture box”. I’m sure she’s not like this in real life but in the show she acts like the best wife ever and when she gets dressed up I start kicking the screen in frustration. WHY?! WHY THE FUCK WASN’T I HANDSOME GENTLEMAN BORN IN THE 50’S! LOOK AT HER! She dresses like some quirky bitch who’s way into roller derby and tattoos but THAT’S JUST NATURAL FOR HER (character). Okay, before I get started on this next paragraph I need to say something. I do not and never have had a FOOT FETISH. Contrary to the following paragraph I don’t have some crazy obession with people’s feet. At All. I just have this weird inkling that January Jones’ feet would be really amazing. OKAY SO I KNOW THAT’S WEIRD but seriously like, I feel like if I ever met her I would just be sneaking these glances at her feet to see what they looked like. It wouldn’t be a romantic or sexy thing, it would just be a HOLY SHIT GREAT FEET JAN thing. Don’t ask me why, it’s just my instinct. Also, calling her Jan would just be awesome and not like Jan as in her name is Janet, cause I’m not a fan of that, but like you were starting to to say January and just stopped. Like Jan-. See? It’s such a nice nickname. OHHHHHHH the times we would have together. Having a cookout on a Sunday afternoon, organising our child’s birthday party, making extremely racist jokes to our friends about our Latin servants. It would be paradise. Plus I’d get to see this amazing woman naked. January Jones, be my girlfriend.

January Jones

What. The. Fuck. Is. Up. Baby. Girl.

Yes. Would. Anytime. You are such a babe. It’s incredible.

First things first, if you don’t know who January Jones is YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Nah just kidding, you wouldn’t necessarily know her unless you watch Mad Men like me. She’s Don Draper’s wife, Betty. This is how I first discovered January and I have been a shit hot fan ever since.

In the show she does that like “adoring housewife with suppressed issues” thing and holy fuck she does it so well I just want to marry her and comb my hair into a side part and let her cook me a baked dinner while I drink scotch and shout at the “picture box”.

I’m sure she’s not like this in real life but in the show she acts like the best wife ever and when she gets dressed up I start kicking the screen in frustration.

WHY?! WHY THE FUCK WASN’T I HANDSOME GENTLEMAN BORN IN THE 50’S!

LOOK AT HER! She dresses like some quirky bitch who’s way into roller derby and tattoos but THAT’S JUST NATURAL FOR HER (character).

Okay, before I get started on this next paragraph I need to say something.

I do not and never have had a FOOT FETISH.
Contrary to the following paragraph I don’t have some crazy obession with people’s feet. At All.

I just have this weird inkling that January Jones’ feet would be really amazing. OKAY SO I KNOW THAT’S WEIRD but seriously like, I feel like if I ever met her I would just be sneaking these glances at her feet to see what they looked like. It wouldn’t be a romantic or sexy thing, it would just be a HOLY SHIT GREAT FEET JAN thing. Don’t ask me why, it’s just my instinct.

Also, calling her Jan would just be awesome and not like Jan as in her name is Janet, cause I’m not a fan of that, but like you were starting to to say January and just stopped. Like Jan-. See? It’s such a nice nickname.

OHHHHHHH the times we would have together. Having a cookout on a Sunday afternoon, organising our child’s birthday party, making extremely racist jokes to our friends about our Latin servants.

It would be paradise. Plus I’d get to see this amazing woman naked.

January Jones, be my girlfriend.

January 11, 2010
Scarlett Johansson Now, before we start this post, I must inform all of you that I love Scarlett Johansson. Yes, yes I hear you all out there. Oh BMG, we all love Scarlett! SHUT UP! SHUT UP YOUR DUMB FACE YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME! I LOVE Scarlett Johansson. More than you. More than your dumb boyfriend. More than your acne scarred best friend named Gary. I LOVE her. There is just something about her ya know? I can’t quite put my finger on it. Something that makes me lost my fucking shit every time I see her. OH I KNOW WHAT IT IS IT’S HER FUCKING AMAZING FACE! Seriously, I have seen photos of her face before and just screamed. Like a high pitched, hysterical scream that scares my housemate and neighbours. AND then I cry. A deep, deep sob of longing for that amazing woman. And no, I don’t love her because of her BREASTS okay?!?!?!It’s so much deeper than that.GROW UP WHY ARE WE EVEN FRIENDS!!?!?!1 If Scarlett was my girlfriend, I’d be so much nicer about it than her husband Ryan Reynolds (though, if I did have a Be My Best Friend blog, he’d be on it). I’d be generous you know? I understand most men in the world love Scarlett so I would draw up some kind of roster. A timeshare if you will. The men would of course have to apply, send a photo (as they couldn’t be better looking than me), references from ex-girlfriends (as they couldn’t be better in bed than me) and of course a health check. The roster would work that the other men got her Monday, Wednesday and Friday (for a sizeable fee) and I would get her on the weekends, Tuesdays and Thursdays (I’M NOT BEING GREEDY, SHE’S MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND). Actually scratch that, all they can is look at her from behind a pane of glass for a minute. But they can’t look her directly in the eye or touch themselves or anything. It would just be for love. $500 for one minute’s viewing. It’d be SO worth it because, I mean, FUCKING LOOK AT HER. Seriously, that photo alone makes me wanna cut my hair into a lime green mohawk, sell all my assets and go be a professional Johansson stalker in LA. Just so I could see her every day. SHE IS SO AMAZING. SOMETIMES SHE HAS RED HAIR.That’s it, someone get me the knife, I’m carving her name into my chest and paying someone from the US Government to provide me with all her personal details. WATCH OUT RESTRAINING ORDER, HERE I COME!Scarlett Johansson, be my girlfriend.

Scarlett Johansson

Now, before we start this post, I must inform all of you that I love Scarlett Johansson. Yes, yes I hear you all out there. Oh BMG, we all love Scarlett!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP YOUR DUMB FACE YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!

I LOVE Scarlett Johansson. More than you. More than your dumb boyfriend. More than your acne scarred best friend named Gary. I LOVE her.

There is just something about her ya know? I can’t quite put my finger on it. Something that makes me lost my fucking shit every time I see her. OH I KNOW WHAT IT IS IT’S HER FUCKING AMAZING FACE!

Seriously, I have seen photos of her face before and just screamed. Like a high pitched, hysterical scream that scares my housemate and neighbours. AND then I cry. A deep, deep sob of longing for that amazing woman.

And no, I don’t love her because of her BREASTS okay?!?!?!
It’s so much deeper than that.
GROW UP WHY ARE WE EVEN FRIENDS!!?!?!1

If Scarlett was my girlfriend, I’d be so much nicer about it than her husband Ryan Reynolds (though, if I did have a Be My Best Friend blog, he’d be on it). I’d be generous you know? I understand most men in the world love Scarlett so I would draw up some kind of roster. A timeshare if you will.

The men would of course have to apply, send a photo (as they couldn’t be better looking than me), references from ex-girlfriends (as they couldn’t be better in bed than me) and of course a health check. The roster would work that the other men got her Monday, Wednesday and Friday (for a sizeable fee) and I would get her on the weekends, Tuesdays and Thursdays (I’M NOT BEING GREEDY, SHE’S MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND).

Actually scratch that, all they can is look at her from behind a pane of glass for a minute. But they can’t look her directly in the eye or touch themselves or anything. It would just be for love.

$500 for one minute’s viewing. It’d be SO worth it because, I mean, FUCKING LOOK AT HER. Seriously, that photo alone makes me wanna cut my hair into a lime green mohawk, sell all my assets and go be a professional Johansson stalker in LA. Just so I could see her every day.

SHE IS SO AMAZING.
SOMETIMES SHE HAS RED HAIR.
That’s it, someone get me the knife, I’m carving her name into my chest and paying someone from the US Government to provide me with all her personal details. WATCH OUT RESTRAINING ORDER, HERE I COME!

Scarlett Johansson, be my girlfriend.

January 9, 2010
Karen O Hi guys, to start off today’s post I thought I would share something completely unrelated I wrote this week. It has nothing to do with Karen O. Nothing. At. All. Untitled Prose 2010 - Dominic Miller This week, you were in my town playing a festival and once again, I let you go. WHY CAN’T I TELL YOU HOW I FEEL? Why can’t I let you in? When you were standing there onstage I saw it in your eyes. It was my last chance wasn’t it? You were saying Dom, give  me a chance, I can make you happy. We can be one. Together. Forever. BUT I’M TOO GODDAMN PROUD. *SINGLE TEAR* And all I could do was blow you a kiss before you walked away forever again. Sometimes I walk along the boulevard and in a moment of weakness I scream at the night “WHY?! WHY CAN’T I LET HER IN?!?!”But the night has no reply.The night is like my heart.Dark, quiet, heavy.I don’t have a giant ball of gas burning inside my heart. FIN. Sorry guys. Just have a lot of emotions and need to set them free you know? So anyway, starting now with talking about Karen O. Cause as you know, I haven’t yet. Karen, O KAREN! The ultimate indie boy’s crazy Jewish girl fantasy. You’re incredible. You excite and terrify me in equal measure. I’m in love with you. I mean, you’re fucking babing, you scream like a banshee and ladies and gentlemen, THAT. FUCKING. NOSE. I think with you I have the “taming” fantasy. I picture myself as Robert Redford and you’re the screaming, whinnying horse trying to break free. But with a little hard work, you’ll settle down beside me and let me hop in the saddle (ACCIDENTAL SEXUAL INNUENDO ALERT). You’re such an alpha female I think to catch you I’d have to do some kind of “I’m the tougher one in this relationship” thing. You smash a bottle over my head, I eat the shards of glass. You stab me with a knife, I get a glass and drink the blood (EDWARD CULLEN YESSSSSSSS). You shoot me with a gun, I stare you down and remove the bullet with a hunting knife. Eventually, the competition would kill me, but at least we would have spent some precious moments together. Coincidentally I saw Karen play with her amazing band at a festival this week and after the show I spoke to a few other males who had also witnessed the spectacle. And it’s weird, they all had the same response. Me: Hey did you see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs yesterday? Them: *mouth drops open and they slowly nod their head* And you know why that response is so common? Because every male that same old feeling.“I’m so happy that you actually exist, but incredibly sad that I will never, ever, ever get to kiss you in your amazing face.”You ask any heterosexual male, this is a GENUINE problem in most of our lives, the fact that there are SO MANY ATTRACTIVE FEMALES out there and we will never get to cry in the foetal position in their bed after sex. You know that lame thing you have in a relationship where you say “okay, if I ever meet this famous celebrity in real life, it’s okay to sleep with them.”? Mine is always, always going to be Karen O. But really, I’m kidding myself, look at her. Karen O, be my girlfriend.

Karen O

Hi guys, to start off today’s post I thought I would share something completely unrelated I wrote this week. It has nothing to do with Karen O. Nothing. At. All.

Untitled Prose 2010 - Dominic Miller

This week, you were in my town playing a festival and once again, I let you go. WHY CAN’T I TELL YOU HOW I FEEL? Why can’t I let you in? When you were standing there onstage I saw it in your eyes. It was my last chance wasn’t it? You were saying Dom, give  me a chance, I can make you happy. We can be one. Together. Forever.

BUT I’M TOO GODDAMN PROUD. *SINGLE TEAR* And all I could do was blow you a kiss before you walked away forever again.

Sometimes I walk along the boulevard and in a moment of weakness I scream at the night “WHY?! WHY CAN’T I LET HER IN?!?!”

But the night has no reply.
The night is like my heart.
Dark, quiet, heavy.
I don’t have a giant ball of gas burning inside my heart.

FIN.

Sorry guys. Just have a lot of emotions and need to set them free you know?

So anyway, starting now with talking about Karen O. Cause as you know, I haven’t yet.

Karen, O KAREN! The ultimate indie boy’s crazy Jewish girl fantasy. You’re incredible. You excite and terrify me in equal measure. I’m in love with you. I mean, you’re fucking babing, you scream like a banshee and ladies and gentlemen, THAT. FUCKING. NOSE.

I think with you I have the “taming” fantasy. I picture myself as Robert Redford and you’re the screaming, whinnying horse trying to break free. But with a little hard work, you’ll settle down beside me and let me hop in the saddle (ACCIDENTAL SEXUAL INNUENDO ALERT).

You’re such an alpha female I think to catch you I’d have to do some kind of “I’m the tougher one in this relationship” thing. You smash a bottle over my head, I eat the shards of glass. You stab me with a knife, I get a glass and drink the blood (EDWARD CULLEN YESSSSSSSS). You shoot me with a gun, I stare you down and remove the bullet with a hunting knife. Eventually, the competition would kill me, but at least we would have spent some precious moments together.

Coincidentally I saw Karen play with her amazing band at a festival this week and after the show I spoke to a few other males who had also witnessed the spectacle. And it’s weird, they all had the same response.

Me: Hey did you see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs yesterday?

Them: *mouth drops open and they slowly nod their head*

And you know why that response is so common? Because every male that same old feeling.
“I’m so happy that you actually exist, but incredibly sad that I will never, ever, ever get to kiss you in your amazing face.”
You ask any heterosexual male, this is a GENUINE problem in most of our lives, the fact that there are SO MANY ATTRACTIVE FEMALES out there and we will never get to cry in the foetal position in their bed after sex.

You know that lame thing you have in a relationship where you say “okay, if I ever meet this famous celebrity in real life, it’s okay to sleep with them.”? Mine is always, always going to be Karen O.

But really, I’m kidding myself, look at her.

Karen O, be my girlfriend.